Oscars 2021 live: Nomadland wins best picture | Film

I believe the plan is now for me to hang around and see how people are going to react to that weird, weird Oscars show. What was your favourite bit? Was it Glenn Close doing a twerk? Was it the way someone accidentally fast-forwarded through the dead people? Was it Joaquin Phoenix’s bristling resentment at having to do anything but read out names?

I’m really not sure what to make of that ceremony at all. On one hand, the Oscars obviously needed to be shaken up, and this year presented a perfect opportunity. But on the other, all the changes were bad and I didn’t enjoy any of it.

Briefly, I missed the suffocating heft of the Oscars proper. I missed presenters doing bits, instead of just genuflecting aimlessly at the nominees. I missed having best picture at the end. I missed clips of the films. I missed a lot. But, hey, at least it was relatively short. That’s a big plus.

For The Father. But he isn’t there, so there’s no speech and then it ends. Abruptly. A bit too abruptly? It’s finished now, and it ended with no dramatic flourish whatsoever. What a weird, weird night this is.

Phoenix is flat-out refusing to do the introductions. He’s just readin’ names and runnin’ away. What a guy.

Wonderful. She has already howled like a wolf, so instead she talks about swords and karaokes and sneaks off the stage in a matter of seconds. And now for best actor, presented by Joaquin Phoenix.

Let’s find out. Renee Zellweger is presenting the best actress award. And we’re back to the weird introductions, with Zellweger doing the bizarre wedding vow thing. Does that mean Joaquin Phoenix is going to have to do that too?

So now what? My theory is they do best actress next, and then Chadwick Boseman will win best actor and that will be the note on which we say goodbye. But what the hell do I know?

Frances McDormand is doing part of the speech. She urges everyone to go back to the movies, and then howls like a wolf.

Well, there we are. Shut out of a few categories that looked like a dead cert, it was starting to look as if the favourite had lost its momentum. But here we are. It isn’t the culmination of the night like it should be, but Nomadland is the best film of the year.

Rita Moreno is here to present. Thankfully there are clips, so at least the overwhelming majority of Oscars viewers who haven’t seen these films will know what they look like. What a radical idea.

A weird moment now. Usually, best picture is the culmination of the night. But now it’s being quietly chucked out third from last. That’s a strange choice, isn’t it? What’s going on?